SAmple script notes

Genre: Action/Adventure

I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced a script or film about Canadian political espionage before. For that alone, I thought that this script had a uniquely engaging subject matter. While I might have heard rumblings about Quebec’s separatist factions, this script digs deep into the divergence of the political philosophies in that part of Canada. Essentially, there are those who wish Quebec to be self-governed and separate from the rest of the country, and those who wish to keep Canada united under one national banner. Somewhere caught in the middle is Patrick, our protagonist. Clearly, Patrick falls on the side of the Alliance for a Unified Canada, but when he is being used as a pawn for their less-than-above-the-board leadership, his return to his RCMP roots is inevitable. I liked that the writer had a pretty clear way of presenting the political dichotomy, and also that he did a good job of showing that Patrick was between a rock and a hard place. As a protagonist, Patrick worked for me, because he didn’t relish his return to police espionage, but I believed that he didn’t have much of a choice, and that his motives for involvement as a sort-of spy were pure. In other words, I trusted him – which, I would assume, is exactly what the writer was going for.

I also thought that the writer was quite inventive in his creation of death devices. I loved that the rifles were controlled by scopes and remotes embedded in cameras. In this way, there didn’t even have to be anyone touching the guns in order for them to perform their assassination. Also, this gave plenty of great opportunities for the devices to be used to different ends. The final showdown between English, the political figures, and Patrick, the writer makes great use of these guns in the action. I thought that this scene was really well-paced and well-timed in its placement within the script. The description kept the action clear, and it was fun to follow.

I would have liked to see a bit more action earlier in the script, though. I didn’t feel a strong sense of danger for Patrick until the last 25 pages of the screenplay. I think that one way to heighten the tension would be to do some work on Munroe’s credibility. Since Patrick is already aware, from his run-in at the train station, that English killed Simon, it isn’t much of a stretch for the reader to instantly cotton-on to the fact that Munroe must be in cahoots. When this is revealed in a straightforward manner to the reader, I think that any reader would already know this fact from earlier context clues. I think that he writer could have made this collusion between Munroe and English more of a surprise. I’d rather see this as a powerful revelation, and a useful turning point in the plot. As it is currently written, I feel that it lacks the power for which it has potential.

Besides this, I feel that the writer didn’t do the necessary work in the plot to maximize the presence of Monique in Patrick’s life. Although we meet her in the second act as a waitress who piques Patrick’s interest, her agency in the events of the plot are minimal until the very last moment. There isn’t any work done by the writer to develop a relationship or a connection between these two characters. When Patrick asks Monique to take him out on the town, I felt that this was coming out of nowhere, and was slowing down the action of the main plot. In the middle of all this life-threatening danger, Patrick was dragging a cute waitress into the action? Why would he lose focus like this at such a vital moment? I felt that their relationship and their trust should have been developed in the first act, or at least earlier in the second act to make her involvement carry more weight. In this draft, when she is revealed as an agent, the double-cross doesn’t hold much emotional punch. Patrick barely knows her, and we have no sense that she has earned his trust before she turns around and betrays him. In other words, I didn’t feel any disappointment, but I think that I should have.

Finally, I had a hard time getting into the story in the beginning, because I was confused by the writer’s choice to cut between Patrick’s classroom in 1991, and actions that English performs in 1990. I didn’t understand why the timeline was shuffled in this manner, or in what way this was benefitting the telling of the plot. Also, I thought that Patrick’s lesson on the political unrest in Quebec went on too long. It is usually not beneficial to start off an action film with too much of a history lesson. I had to trudge through these opening scenes before I was able to settle in and enjoy the rest of the story.

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Genre: Television Pilot/Episode Treatments

In the beginning, I was excited about this concept. I thought it might end up being something that sort of falls between “Hung” and “Entourage,” in that it deals with the world of taboo sexuality (in this case, porn), and the politics of Hollywood. I felt that the set up was fairly strong. Quinn, after winning Best Newcomer (a pun if ever there was one!) at Tribeca, finds that his career isn’t exactly taking the rocket trajectory he’d hoped. In order to pay back some of the debt incurred from making his independent film, he is forced to sell out his skill as a producer of pornography. The pilot and the rest of the episodes go on to deal with Quinn’s attempts to get his Plan A back on track, without having anyone discover his Plan B career. So far, so good. Supporting characters include Josh (an up and coming agent, and nephew to Joel Silver), Doug (a hapless editor who can no longer make it happen in bed with his wife), and a long string of women who give great blow jobs…huh?

We’ll get back to that in a bit.

I felt that at their best moments, the writers showed a good knack for dialogue and the ins and outs of aspiring Hollywood writers. When Quinn is pursuing his writing dream, I found the scripts and treatments to be at their most believable, but was consistently disappointed that we spent more time chasing this dream than in the much more interesting and unique world of San Fernando Valley porn. I felt that Quinn’s quest to go from indie darling to big name star treads water well covered in the already very popular and established “Entourage.” Also, I felt that the writers may be painting themselves into a corner by hinting that Quinn is so close to realizing his dream. Given that the show is called “Naughty,” and seems to be about the things Quinn is forced to do to make ends meet, I’d like the assurance that we will be seeing more of the porn world. I think this milieu has great potential for comedy. It also doesn’t seem quite as bombastically self-referential as a whole series written about writers. This is much harder to pull off as a comedy. Especially since the scene is, as I said, already sort of mined to its fullest by “Entourage.”

Structurally, I was disappointed that we had to wait until Episode Three to see exactly how Quinn ended up working in porn. I think that rather than begin mid-stream in his fledgling career, it would be funnier to see him learning the ropes of this side of the industry. I wouldn’t have minded seeing the Pilot begin with his interview at The Naughty Network and go from there. This way we would have had a better sense, from the get-go, of Quinn’s character. As it is, I didn’t feel like I had much of a feel for any of the characters until several episodes in.

In terms of content, I think that the writers might be treading dangerous waters sometimes. Granted, networks like Showtime and HBO give writers the ability to include some adult content, but when a character is supposed to be flashing a cell phone pic of a woman with a “cock in her mouth,” I wonder how this is going to play out.

Also, back to the women: I felt like the writers needed to hand their work to no less than three female friends for commentary specifically on the female characters. I got bored with the women in this script very quickly. It seemed that no matter what the woman’s background may have been, she was horny and not afraid to use all the dirty words in the land to describe exactly how horny. None of the female characters seemed to have much purpose outside of giving a heck of a blow job, so after a while, they all started to blend together, and the script started to feel mildly insulting. Given the profession of the males in this series, it might have been interesting to have at least one be a happily married man with a strong female partner, or even to have one of the TNN employees be a professional woman with a plot of their own who worked behind the camera. There needed to be much more thought put into a balance of the sexes here, rather than a smattering of horny broads to provide all the nudity desired given the subject matter.

Finally, I didn’t actually feel that this worked on an episodic level as well as it should have. I felt that the writers failed at giving each episode its own plot arc which would fit into the overall story arc for the season. There wasn’t really much of a beginning, middle and end to each individual episode – one simply picked up where the last one left off, mid-storyline. One way to accomplish this would be to focus on the supporting characters for some of the more episodic plot developments, giving a greater structure to each episode, while Quinn’s impending sale of the script becomes the main overall arc. Sometimes I felt that the writers were trying to accomplish this, but they seldom succeeded, in my opinion.
As one last note, I’d like to point out that the writers did not necessarily benefit at this juncture from including so many episode treatments. Treatments for a thirty minute episodic shouldn’t be four pages of solid-block prose, either. I felt that it took me longer than the length of an episode sometimes to wade through one treatment. Treatments should be no more than two pages for an episode, and should be much less dense.

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